the anger i feel comes from deep within.
ill be returning to flame-thrower and transfering all of my pics to that one...
this happens to be the one i want to shut down...
sorry.
shit happens right.
when you gotta go you gotta go.
just know i hate everything about you.

I just want to be alone right now.
thats all.
alone in the sense that i dont want to be with anyone.
alone that i dont want to be property.
i just want to be surrounded by friends.
all i want are friends.
Don't hate me.

The complexities of my mind and my thoughts sometimes scares me but at the moment my thoughts are so in depth that you lose where one begins and one ends and they all blur together making a huge fucking mess. The thing is I have deceived but I do not know why, I have lied and cried and I do not understand where we all fit into this thing called a world. You know the game The Sims? If you don’t it’s basically a game where you create characters with certain features and give them a personality and buy them a house and buy furniture and you control or can control their every move. They might decide to go and watch TV but you can stop them type thing anyway it’s a good game to lose yourself in if you feel you have no control of your life… but that is not the point perhaps The Sims is what our life is like. Perhaps Earth is a neighborhood in a larger game of The Sims and someone is controlling us?

Perhaps we are part of a game and someone is making me write this entry right now and maybe it is a game and someone bigger than us is controlling us and well maybe WE are a game more complex and detailed than ‘The Sims’ you know? I really don’t know but the thing is that is my thought trippy huh? Yes you could consider me insane but would you deny me the right of ‘Freedom Of Speech’ Ahhh that leads to me to another subject WHAT THE FUCK happened to freedom of speech? It is now seen as absurd to under-go body modifications and have a slogan tattooed onto your arm or back it is now viewed as wrong to speak out loud about certain things like terrorism for example some slogan on some guys T-shirt saying ‘I agree with Afghanistan… Australian’s suck’ something like that anyway you know… but that is nothing like I mean you know the whole Chantelle thing spray painted on the wall and what
ever. Which reminds me my thoughts go out to the people who have been caught in the recent Bali bombing and that will plague them in one way or another for the rest of their lives.

Ok so... Franks father invited blake and I to go with franks step mother to san antonio on friday.... so i have to get my shit together and see if i can..
then tommorro i have to go to leo's recital at UTB @ 5 tommorro..
set-b..
must remember that..
i have $4.25.. lets see if i can make it.. haha
oh shit.. i found a little cricket in my room and im setting it free...
i have no fucking idea how it got in here..
but thats what im going to do.
but its been next to me forever.. lol i just remembered it.. im going to go let it go before it dies.
Man Gladys White( Dale's sister) was being a major bitch to this super quiet guy that sits next to me.
she just like jumped onto the table in front of him .. litterally on the table.. and was being super rude.. and was like spitting in his hair and shit.. then when he put his head down, she like grabbed the back of it and almost pulled out a chunk trying to get his head up so he can look her in the face.
i asked her what the fuck she was doing and shes like'' im asking him why my mother is a slut and blah blah blah''
randy and jessica ( the girl who is obsessed with him, and is in my late easter photo.. which i love.. [link] )where giving me signals behind her back to kick her ass.. it was super funny..
Arg....
I want to be a gorrilla for halloween.. tee-he...
i cant wait. tis one of my favorite holidays.
~dances happily~
waiit..
arg.
my grandmother passed away october 18.
quite depressing no..
its comming up..
my mood to party is suddenly dampened..
~sighs unhappily~
what to do what to do..
........
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.
.......
........
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god i have fallen...

i do not know what you have in store for me...


i have lost all my faith in everything i once loved...


i really don't know how i am going on...


im tired of being without you...


i am here covered by darkness...


and i finaly admit that i need you


because i am scared... and i hate to be alone...


god... forgive me...


i have been drowning my feelings in the bottle


i hear your words day by day...


and i rejected you every single time...


i am afraid... i have no faith... no hope... in me...


but i have faith in your love... and i need your love


god... please hold me... because i am afraid...


because i love you...


i loved you so much that i ran away so i wouldn't lie...


so i wouldn't break my promises any more...


i have finaly broke into tears...


and i see you there crying for me...


im sorry... i have no faith in me

Is it possible that I, stefanny crymson vasquez after all ym years of anticipating the day of graduattion, am finally coming to dread it.
It seem slike there are other people around me that are so well prepared for it....
Have money saved up and all that rot.
More then likely im just going to move to brownsville, stay at UTB to get my basics.. .. save up a ton of cash then head to austin.
Blakes moving to san antonio after he graduates.. so is frank but hes only there for awhile before he goes into the marines.
hmm...
I hope i can do good enough to get in.
I want to be a photographer so badly..
but meh.
Sometimes you cant always get what you want, right?
Though I cant and refuse to give up,.
so many people want to be photographers it's rather insane.
Today after school i have guitar and photography.. which i am still wondering how im going to manage... guitar is from 3:45-5:20.. and photography is from 4:-5:20... so once again meh...
pondersome in so many ways.
fucking frank showed up on my doorstep the other day...
i heard a knockign at my window.. and i walked out there already yellin cause i thought it was blake...
i said'' what hte hell are u doing? why cant u just walk to the door like any normal person instead of-''
then he looked at me oddly.. and i obviously realized it wasnt him..
haha.
we chilled at my house for a bit until blake showed up and then headed out.
grr..

everyone in my first period class,gov't, was pissing me off.
Stupid people..
Oh! yesterday, During my digital photography class a bunch of stupid sophmores came in.
Not like i have anything against sophmores but man.. i mean
one of them, had a few days ago thrown his trash away and i was standing next to the trashcan.. jsut walking by.. and his red fruit punch drink splattered all over my white pearl jame shirt.
I was sooo pissed.
He didnt even say sorry.
Then when we were going over the pictures we had taken awhile back, they all where making rude comment about them.
After getting impatient they wandered over to some computers and begin to chat.
Blake, sensing i was loosing my patience( i had told them already that if they didnt want to stay there and listen to the teacher they could leave... anyone who knows me knows that if i tell you not to do something and you do it again.. i will kill you) got up and manually flipped off the comps.
After grumbling and cursing at him they left and then came back.
when blake , frank and i had to leave early to go to guitar class they made a few rude remarks as soon as we left the room.
i was so fucking tempted to go back and beat some sense into them..
but i cant..
im a senior and i cant fuck up this year..
~sigh~
Holy mother fucking shit. they say that hurricane rita is goign to hit new orleans again. as if one hurricane wasnt enough they need another.. lol..
its kinda funny in a really morbid way.
i say that gods pissed about all the naughty things that happen during martigra and is punishing everyone for their sins of the flesh..
lmao.
then again this is me ur talking to so of course id say soemthing like that..
SINGS~why have u forsaken me.... in your thoughts forsakeeennn meee..... when angels deserve to die..~
great song.. forgot who sings it though..
chop suey is now on..
good song..
forgive my misspelled words..
haha
or names
Dude im in a great mood...
I slept a shitload last night, woke up smiling, had biscutes eggs and sausage for breakfast( my fave breakfast).... watched nightmare before christmas in art 2 ( my face art based movie) then ran a mile during pe.. then went to leilanis afterwards.. jumped around on the trampoline until my legs buckled underneath me... hahaa..
IT WAS SUH A FUCKING GOOD DAY!!
fucking frank didnt go to school today though.. ~sigh~ he woulda seen me happy..lol.
and he woulda pissed himself

***** well.. I just finished sighning up for my .. SAT and Thea...
meh..
uuhh..
I now have 3 job applications i need to fill out..
haha..
then next wednesday I have a recital to attend..
My guitar teacher is playing and asked me to go..
He is so funny.. haha
~dances~ im suprisingly excited.